When beginning a new relationship, it can be difficult to accept traits about our partners that may not necessarily align with our own personalities.
However, this should not be how the success and independence of a woman should be measured. During the beginning of a relationship, success in the workplace or academically can be downplayed to appear more humble and relatable. Some men may find these instances of success “intimidating” or off putting.
Sami Wunder, a relationship coach and dating expert, has figured out why this is the case. “There is something there that is not enough,” Wunder said in an interview regarding how women view their success while dating. Women can view their own success as not being enough due to the patriarchy’s fragile ego.
Wunder said that this feeling of trying too hard or not being enough comes from the drive to work hard. “If you work hard, you get success. Both in business and in love.” This thought process can lead to some people assuming successful women are “coming on too hard” or are too intimidating.
Women who feel as though they need to try harder to impress their partners are more likely to end up in abusive or toxic relationships, Wunder said. Every woman, especially those who succeed in the workplace but fall short on dates, needs to realize that a true partnership values who they are outside of work or school. “A man doesn’t fall in love with you because you’ve led meetings…he falls in love based on the connection you have.”
Many of Wunder’s clients find that they value their self worth based on achievements or admirable qualities they see in themselves. When these women realize that their self worth isn’t based on their accomplishments or anyone’s expectations, they often realize that they are not in a safe or healthy relationship. Wunder also encourages her clients to think of relationships as parts of life, not as something to be “achieved” or won.
While this sentiment can certainly be observed in lesbian and gay relationships, Wunder’s work focuses mostly on heterosexual couples.
Wunder has also found that when her clients are more assertive or more accomplished than their partners, it can lead to men finding these women to be intimidating or overly dominant. This also stems from implicit biases these men may have surrounding how women should behave. Sexism is something that can turn any date into a nightmare, especially for women who refuse to bow to society’s expectations.
Wunder also gives her clients examples of being successful from her own marriage. Her spouse encourages her business — which is their primary source of income — and respects that she is successful and independent outside of their marriage. Wunder, in turn, respects her husband’s work and praises that they can openly communicate about everything.
Overall, Wunder encourages women to leave a relationship if they do not feel comfortable celebrating their achievements alongside their partner’s. If communication cannot allow for mutual success in both the relationship and individually, then that person may not be the best option for a romantic relationship.
Photo by Kaily Paddle
